Clara's memories
by Ellisiv
Summary: Clara is starting to remember her past lives and she sinks into a depression
1. Chapter 1

The night was chilly, but Clara's skin had a layer of sweat over it. She was having nightmares again.

But not just any nightmares. She was remembering. This certain night she dreamt of Oswin again. Clara woke up at the same moment in every single dream. The moment she died. Oswin had burned, when the daleks destroyed the asylum. She remembered the few seconds of pain, and then she woke up.

She couldn't tell the doctor about these dreams. He'd be worried. He'd say that it was his fault and then be angry for a while. Clara hated to see him angry. She preferred it when he looked like an exited puppy. Or when he'd sometimes cling after her like a lost puppy. When he was angry it was more like a deep void in his eyes. A darkness she couldn't describe. And when he was angry with himself, there was so much guilt and sadness mixed in the darkness as well.

Clara shook her head. She didn't want to think about it. She noticed that even though she wasn't asleep anymore, the dreams sort of kept going. All these lives were in her head, and they didn't disappear. She felt their emotions and thought their thoughts.

"Stop!" Clara said aloud. Thankfully, not loud enough to wake the Maitlands. She looked through her purse to find her phone where she plugged in her headphones and let the sound effects of "fix the sky a little" by "65daysofstatic" distract her from her thoughts.

But Oswin's cries for help kept showing up in her head. She turned the volume up and closed her eyes. Tried to think about something else, but things kept popping up!

She buried her head in her pillow. But what good did that do? It didn't help to fall asleep, because then the memories where just clearer. She had been conscious during the entire transformation. She had felt the step from human to dalek. The transformation had taken about a day and every second had hurt.

Clara did fall asleep, though. She had been woken up by Artie who told her that Mr Maitland had gone to job in a rush. She faked a smile to him as she got out of bed.

None of the echoes disappeared from Clara's thoughts. She didn't even know about half of them. How could she have lived so many lives?

Clara had been in a grumpy mood the entire day. From when she woke up, to when she went to bed again. There was only one thing she looked forward to. Tomorrow was Wednesday. The doctor was coming. She smiled a bit at the thought of new adventures with him. And then, due to the little sleep she got the night before, she quickly became unaware of the things around her.

It was Oswin again. Oswin had always sticked a bit extra to her memories, but this was just horrible! She woke up at seven A.M. with tears in her eyes. They didn't stop raining down her pink cheeks.

For some reason that she couldn't think of at the moment, she stood up and grabbed a pencil sharpener and a bobby pin. She screwed out the razor and threw the screw, bobby pin and remains of the sharpener away. She drew the razor across her wrist and red dots appeared. They grew thicker and thicker for each second and then they started to roll down her arm.

Clara continued to do this until her arm was covered in her blood. Her sheets and parts of her PJ's where red. "What have I done?" She thought "No one can see this."

She quickly changed to a bit oversized light blue sweater with a lace collar and a pair of leggings. The sweater was so thick, the blood couldn't bleed through. Clara then proceeded to change her sheets and throw the old ones and her PJ's in the wash.

She had been so stressed about making sure nobody found out, that she had pushed aside the thoughts of all her past lives, but now that everything was hidden, they came back. This time a headache followed.

She could hear the noise of the TARDIS outside and under a minute, a knock on the door. "Okay, Clara", she thought "he can't know. Don't let him suspect anything." She walked to the door and didn't have to fake a smile when she saw his exited puppy-face


	2. Chapter 2

Clara was sitting in her room in the TARDIS. What was she going to do? She wanted to feel the adrenalin-like feeling from the cuts so badly, but she couldn't do it here. She knew the TARDIS could see her and the last thing she wanted was for the TARDIS to tell the doctor about this strange addiction.

The doctor took Clara to this planet that was named after J.R.R. Tolkien, it was found 3. January 2103 and reminded many people of Middle-earth. The doctor told her that even after billions of years, some of the humans who settled there, started to evolve pointy ears.

Clara couldn't help, but smile at the thought of Middle-earth sort of being out there, and humans evolving into elf-like creatures. She loved all of Tolkien's stories. Her dad had used to read them to her when she was a kid. They filled her with a wonder that she loved to have in her heart. Most of all: it gave her and even bigger wishes to travel the world.

Afterwards they went to 14. July 1789 and witnessed the storming of Bastille from afar. It was interesting to look at how normal the day had been until the flashpoint of the revolution. For some reason she had always pictured it to be a strange day when she learned about it in school, where all the people looked at each other with strange looks.

It had been quite warm in both places, but the long sleeves stayed at their place. At once the doctor dropped her off outside the Maitlands house, she ran to her room to create new red lines on her arm.

Clara realised that in not long, she would run out of space so she needed a new place to cut while waiting for the cuts on her arms to become barely visible. She realised her ankles and hips where the perfect place. She hadn't realised until after that she had carved the words "I'm not a dalek" into her hip. Oswin was back in her thoughts, she had managed to push away her thoughts when she was with the doctor, but now they were back. Luckily Angie, Artie and Mr. Maitland where all fast asleep, so Clara could cry in peace.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: This is the last chapter in this fic, I really hope you enjoyed it. This was the first fic I wrote where I didn't have a specific plan, I just wrote and went for the thing that popped into my head. Usually I write my fics at school (forever alone haha) so this was quite a change. I also really hope that you're happy with the ending. As you probably noticed in my two first chapters, I was quite caught up with Oswin, but HELLO Clara cot converted into a dalek for him for gods sake (if that isn't an "I love you" then I don't know anymore.) Anyways, enough with me just babbling, and….**_**enjoy**_**!**

The next Wednesday, when the doctor appeared after seven as usual, Clara couldn't help but be a bit distant from the doctor. He didn't seem to notice, though. It had been a bit busy day as always with the doctor. He also did most of the talking, so Clara just nodded or hmm-ed in reply. She just felt tiered. Tiered of everything. She was starting to lose sleep, she just cried most of the night. All the echoes kept her awake.

If there were many more lives, they would start crashing with each other. "Please", she thought "just stop. Leave me alone."

After four new and exciting adventures, the doctor dropped Clara off five minutes after she left. "See you next Wednesday!" He said when she was about to go out the door. Clara faked a smile "great. I have to wait a week." She thought. "See ya!" Clara waved and closed the TARDIS doors.

"Something's wrong." The doctor thought aloud. She had been so strange, so distant. She had smiled, but it hadn't been real. He knew it wasn't her time of the month because then she nearly spits fire. He sometimes, to his great suffering, found it quite funny that so much anger can exist in such a little human being.

"What's wrong with you, Clara?" He thought.

The next Wednesday, at once Clara had closed the TARDIS doors, he set off to space, just so that they could talk in private. He had taken his time to figure it out, but the clues were there and he was quite good at spying. He knew it wasn't right to spy on her. She needed her privacy after all, but he couldn't pass this off. He had to know.

And now he knew. Sort of. He didn't know why, she did what she did. Clara had to tell that herself. "So," she said "where are we going?" "Nowhere, right now" he answered. The doctor walked slowly towards her and grabbed her hand. Clara looked at him. She had no idea what he was doing, but she realised when he carefully twisted her arm and dragged her sleeves up and revealed fresh cuts that were still bleeding and multiple scars.

She blushed a little bit. She didn't like the thought of him knowing, but apart from the red cheeks, she kept a straight face with nearly any expression on it. "Oh, Clara" he said and kissed her arm, not caring about the blood that stayed on his lips.

The doctor made some tea and sat Clara down. He needed to know. After a while of him staring at Clara and Clara staring down in her cup, she finally opened her mouth. "I've started to remember", she said, "more lives than I even thought I had lived. I even think they've started to crash. This very second, new memories are being poured into my head and I can't stop it. All these deaths and overall bad memories that everybody has are being multiplied by millions." "Clara, why didn't you tell me?" He asked "because", she closed her mouth and looked down at her tea again "I didn't want you to blame yourself. You think the whole thing that happened at Trenzalore was your fault, but it was _my _choice doctor, and you can't see that. You keep blaming yourself for things that you couldn't stop. You blame yourself for what happens to your friends, but think about it doctor! Amy and Rory are happily married and adopted a baby boy. Rose is with you, Martha is married to Mickey and Donna might not remember you, but she shone and now she is happy too. And so is Sarah and _so_ many others."

The doctor sighed "stop trying to make the subject about me" he said. "You wanted an answer," Clara stated, "that was my answer. I didn't tell you because you'll add more things to the pile of things you feel are your fault."

"Do the memories ever stop?" He asked "no, they're always there and they never stop," Clara was starting to get tears in her eyes "how many lives did I even live?"

"Clara, maybe I can help" said the doctor. Clara looked up from her tea. "Face me", he said. Clara did as he said. He put his index- and middle fingers on her temples and concentrated on her mind and memories "I'm going to stop the flow, some memories might come from time to time, but they won't drive you insane. And I'm also making the lives of your echoes weaker, they're still there, but they won't be of any trouble. Sometimes it can be like dreams you only remember bits and pieces of."

When he let go of her face, Clara immediately felt better. The doctor looked at Clara for a second before pulling his impossible girl into a hug "oh, Clara" he said and kissed the top of her head.

"Doctor," Clara said after about five minutes "do you mind letting me go now?" He was still holding her in his tight hug "yes, I do mind. You're my Clara and I won't ever let go. Ever." "Then neither will I" she said and smiled the first real smile in two weeks.


End file.
